Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Hello bloggers, sorry, but I think I need your advice - falling apart

Hi guys,

Sorry, but I'm at the end of my tether.
I have so many things going on in my personal life and work life, that I don't know if I can cope anymore. I'm sorry to burden you, I just needed someone to talk to.

I would like to thank you all deeply for those that replied to my last post. I had some lovely responses, and I must say, you are all so wise, I just wish I were like you. But the truth is, I'm not. I'm what they call a shrinking violet, have no self esteem, no value to my life, I don't think I'm worthy of anything. To be honest, 99% of the time I think of myself a a failure. I've always failed. In everything. There is nothing that stands out in my life as success, but my3 beautiful girls. I love my girls to bits, but beyond that ............ nothing.

I told my father in law to f*ck off after my last post. How bloody dare he suggest my hubby of 3 and a half years should take half my house, when I have been in it 20 years. I don't want anything to do with them. They are scum and always will be.

I reluctantly decided to stay put with hubby . Wrong !!! To be honest I feel sorry for him. He has a family that won't take him back, a wife that truly doesn't love him but pretends to. How bad is that? Ok I'm awful. But he said he would go to a solicitor to have the house put in my name, I didn't ask him to, but yet again, I didn't deter him either. He is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo childish. Only Monday night, after deep indepth conversations to stay together, wanting him to grow up, he decided monday night at 9pm to invite me to sit in the garden with him. I said yes. I sat out there, within 5 mins he was chasing round the garden the midgies with a tennis raquet. Fine. We were within our own 4 walls. It was when he decided to walk, bare foot, out of the garden gate to hit the midgies with a tennis raquet to all neighbours hedges, walking up and down the street that I was so embarrassed. I sat there in the garden alone thinking what a big child he is. I honestly know now that I don't love him. Ive tried, but I want a man, a proper man, not a 37 year old kid. I just have to tell him properly now.

As to the weight, thats out the window now , and work is a whole new problem. F*ck it all, thats what I say x

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Thursday, 17 June 2010

new beginnings .....

I don't often talk about my relationship with my hubby. Not much to say really.
I haven't been happy for a long while with him, for many reasons. He does not get on with my youngest daughter at all, which is a real strain. They are always arguing. It feels that each of them is competing for my attention, which is hard when Im doing such weird hours at work. I get exhausted listening to them pick on each other to be honest.
My hubby is also very childish. When I met him, he was still living with his mum and dad. This is 4 and a half years ago, and he is now 37. He has never had to start from scratch creating a home. He has never even bought a piece of furniture. In fact it has all been laid on a plate for him since he started living with me 4 years ago. I have lived in my home for 20 years, and bought and paid for everything. Ok, he does contribute towards all the bills, but I work blooming hard to pay my half too. But now, we have decided to split up. We have nothing in common, and although I dont hate him or dislike him, I have decided to end our relationship.
I have never liked his family, as you may remember from previous posts, but I really have tried to get on with them. Tried even helping them to decorate, had them over for meals, and yet not one word of thanks. They are all from a different world that I was bought up in, but now, I just want out of it....
Bearing in mind Ive lived here 20 years, and it is the roof over my childrens heads, and I have paid for everything in it, my disgusting horrible father-in-law has told my other half to *take me for half the house* ... !! He has only lived here for 4 flipping years after leaving mummy and daddys filthy disgusting nest .... believe me, they have never ever worked hard to make things nice. Their place is disgusting, and yet, now, because I want to end the relationship, I could now lose everything. Life is the pits at times ..........

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Sunday, 13 June 2010

How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore ?

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Saturday, 12 June 2010

another weigh in .....

Another weigh in and another pound gained ... hhhrrmmpphhh !! Back to 12st 13 lbs again :o( .... but TOTM did arrive 2 days before weigh in, so who knows what it would have been if mother nature hadn't of reared her head again. Oh well onwards to the next week..... having said that my mum has just treated hubby and I to an Indian meal, which was absolutely gorgeous and I feel totally stuffed !! I haven't had Indian food in over 2 years, so I don't feel too guilty !! However, its a good job its another 6 days til weigh in !
Its been a busy old week again. Busy, but good. I feel something is about to happen on the house front. We are changing estate agents now to a local firm now, and feel convinced that this should get us sold in the very near future. I think the mistake we made was to advertise with a company from out of the area. Hopefully after the 22nd when the contract ends, we can make a fresh start and get moving soon. We have been to view several places recently, all rather nice, so just hoping they dont get snapped up before we get sold ! Would dearly love to get moved and settled before the end of the year, so fingers crossed.
A lot has been happening at work and Im enjoying both my jobs right now, and feel very fortunate. To have 2 jobs and enjoy them both is brill. I never thought I would see the day where getting up for work was a pleasure , rather than a chore. The new challenge of Practice Manager is going well, so long may it continue.
I haven't been out at all lately though, so feel that needs to change. Darts has stopped for me at the moment, but the ladies of the darts team are having a get together tomorrow afternoon. Think I may join them for a glass of wine ...sounds like a good plan to me :o) ...
So all in all things are good. Positivity on the weight side is pretty high, but I have noticed my tracking is a bit hit and miss at the moment. Im guessing points and not always writing things down, so this week that is my aim, to make sure I track everything. Im still drinking my water, and eating healthily during the week, so who knows, I may even lose some weight this week ....
Ok guys, so its over and out from me now. Keep blogging, I love reading them, and hope you all have a good week. TTFN xx

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Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Angel or Devil ......

Half way through the week ..... Angel or Devil ? ..... truthful 75% Angel ... 25% Devil ..... will it be enough to swing a loss on Friday ? . .... mmmmmmmmmm......x

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Sunday, 6 June 2010

determination, trainers and Christmas !!

Hi Guys

Yet another week has passed since I last wrote my blog, and I simply cannot believe how fast this year is going. The weeks are all blending into one and to think that we are only 2 weeks away from the longest day of the year, and then the nights start drawing in again is quite a frightening thought !! Before we know it, the *C* word will be on the cards, and that brings me to my next focus on my weight loss journey.
Now I'm sorry to be talking about the *C* word in June, but I'm going to aim to be back in the 11's before the tinsel is out and christmas crackers are pulled !!
I had a STS this week. Im 12st 12 lbs. Last Christmas I weighed 11st 12 lbs, so I have gained a stone in 6 months, and Im determined not to gain another pound more. My new enthusiasm has seen me take to my trainers today to do a fast 2 mile walk first thing this morning, and Ive eaten like an angel. I WILL see a loss on the scales this week. My water bottle is ready, there is fresh salad in the fridge, and there are no more excuses. To help me focus, I am going to photograph my weigh ins (if I remember !!) every Friday morning to help keep me accountable. As I dont get weighed at class, I think I need you guys watching my weigh ins so that you can all keep me in check. Hope you don't mind. If you see the scales going up, please feel free to give me a very stern kick up the **** !!!!
Thanks guys x x x

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